Are you looking for help with managing anger? Anger is a significant social issue, with around 30% of adults and 65% of teenagers struggling to manage it. Alarmingly, 1 in 10 people experience severe anger problems that can escalate into violence.
- Are you angry often?
- Are you getting mad regularly?
- Do you lose your mind with rage?
- Do you fume in silence for long periods of time?
You will not be punished for your anger. You will be punished by your anger. – Buddha
What is anger?
Anger is part of the sympathetic nervous system’s fight-or-flight response that helped our ancestors avoid danger by providing a burst of energy. Today, feeling anger is often linked with stress and is a way to express frustration when our values or boundaries have been crossed. Many struggle to manage their anger and react impulsively to perceived threats, making this ancient fight-or-flight response less useful in modern life.
Aggression is likely a persistent part of our human biology as primates. Freud argued that aggression is an innate instinct, creating significant challenges for culture and society. Today, acting on these instincts is no longer acceptable.
Irrational beliefs in managing anger
We can learn different strategies to build a habit of staying calm and questioning irrational beliefs. Anger can hinder logical thinking, causing emotional reactions without reasoning.
Understanding the Triggers and Impact of Road Rage
Road rage is a phenomenon that often stems not from the actions of other drivers, but rather from our own personal interpretations and expectations. To illustrate, when another driver abruptly cuts in front of you, the anger that follows is consequently a reaction to how you perceive their behavior, as opposed to the act itself. This emotional response highlights the influence that external situations can have on our feelings, revealing that our reactions are shaped by our own perspectives.
Anger may result from prolonged stress and frustration. Losing your composure can be attributed to factors such as insufficient sleep and diminished patience. Children frequently exposed to parental conflict may internalise the belief that such interactions are typical within relationships. Additionally, alcohol consumption impairs clear and logical thinking, which can lead to misinterpretation of social cues essential for rational decision-making. Read more about Alcohol and Aggression
When someone belittles or degrades you, it can hurt your ego and trigger anger. Read about Becoming Offended and The All Mighty Powerful Ego
Chronic anger has also been linked to a range of physical health issues, including heart disease, stroke, cancer, and a weakened immune system, making individuals more susceptible to colds and flu.
If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape 100 days of sorrow – Chinese proverb
Physical signs of anger:
- clenching your jaws or grinding your teeth
- headache
- stomach ache
- increased and rapid heart rate
- sweating, particularly on your palms
- feeling hot in the neck or face
- shaking or trembling
- dizziness
Emotional signs of anger:
- like you want to get away from the situation
- irritated
- sad, depressed or crying
- guilty
- resentful
- anxious
- like striking out verbally or physically
Behavioural changes:
- rubbing your head
- pacing back and forth
- getting sarcastic
- losing your sense of humour
- acting in an abusive or abrasive manner
- craving a drink, a smoke or other substance that relax you
- raising your voice
- beginning to yell, scream, or crying
Here are five practical tips for managing anger:
1. The “Six-Second” Rule
Chemicals like adrenaline flood your system during a flash of anger. It takes roughly six seconds for those chemicals to dissipate enough for your “thinking brain” (the prefrontal cortex) to regain control from your “emotional brain” (the amygdala).
- The Hack: When you feel the spark, count to six slowly or name six types of fruit in your head to force your brain back into logical mode.
2. Control Your Physiology
Anger causes shallow breathing and a spiked heart rate. You can “hack” your nervous system by forcing your body to act calm.
- The Hack: Use Box Breathing. Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4, exhale for 4, and hold for 4. This signals to your brain that you aren’t actually in physical danger.
3. Change Your Narrative (Cognitive Reframing)
As you noted in your paragraph, it’s our interpretation that fuels the rage.
- The Hack: Give the other person a “benefit of the doubt” story—even if it’s a lie. Instead of “That guy is a jerk trying to disrespect me,” try “Maybe he’s rushing to the hospital” or “He’s clearly having a terrible day and isn’t paying attention.” It’s hard to stay angry at someone you feel sorry for.
4. Use “I” Statements
If the anger is directed at a person you’re talking to, avoid “You” statements (“You always do this!”), which trigger defensiveness.
- The Hack: Shift the focus to your experience. “I feel frustrated when the schedule changes last minute because I struggle to reorganize my day.” It keeps the conversation on the problem, not the person.
5. Create Physical Distance
If you feel like you’re about to boil over, the best thing you can do is “remove the fuel.”
- The Hack: Excuse yourself. Say, “I’m feeling pretty heated right now and I don’t want to say something I’ll regret. Let’s finish this in 15 minutes.” A short walk literally changes your environment and lowers your heart rate.
Other resources to help you with managing anger:
The Power of Meditation explores how various forms of meditation can help manage anger, while Better Communication and Work through a Disagreement can help you improve your communication skills.
You can find the topic of Anger also covered in this podcast: https://candour-communication-podcast.simplecast.com/episodes/adrian-spear
Getting help with managing anger
I have specialised in anger management for over 20 years, helping clients understand their anger, its causes, triggers, and recurring patterns. I coach clients to challenge unhelpful beliefs and teach practical techniques to manage anger and stay calm.
Call 0405 391 110 for a free 15 minute consultation or fill out the contact form: https://apspear.com.au/contact/
