Going through a separation or divorce can be very difficult, no matter the reason for it. It can turn your world upside down and make it hard to get through the workday and stay productive. But there are things you can do to get through this difficult adjustment.
Recognize that it’s OK to feel out of sorts.
It’s normal to feel sad, angry, exhausted, frustrated and confused—and these feelings can be intense. You also may feel anxious about the future. Accept that reactions like these will lessen over time. Even if the marriage was unhealthy, venturing into the unknown is frightening.
Give yourself a break.
Give yourself permission to feel and to function at a less than optimal level for a period of time. You may not be able to be quite as productive on the job or care for others in exactly the way you’re accustomed to for a little while. No one is superman or superwoman; take time to heal, regroup and re-energize.
Find some support.
Sharing your feelings with friends and family can help you get through this period. Isolating yourself can raise your stress levels, reduce your concentration, and get in the way of your work, relationships, and overall health. Don’t be afraid to get outside help if you need it.
Take care of yourself emotionally and physically.
Be good to yourself and to your body. Take time out to meditate, exercise, eat well and relax. Keep to your normal routines as much as possible. Try to avoid making major decisions or changes in life plans. First separate, get yourself sorted, then slowly turn your attention to the other stuff. Don’t use alcohol, drugs, or cigarettes as a way to cope; they only lead to more problems down the track.
Avoid power struggles and arguments with your spouse or former spouse.
If a discussion begins to turn into a fight, calmly suggest that you both try talking again later and either walk away or hang up the phone. Use the 3 gates of Buddha always:
- Is it the truth?
- Is it kind?
- Is it necessary?
Even if your ex-spouse is saying some hurtful stuff, just remain calm and stick to the 3 gates. You can also use some assertiveness techniques instead of being aggressive. I can provide you with this information.
Take time to explore your interests.
Reconnect with things you enjoy doing apart from your spouse. Have you always wanted to take up painting or play in a sports team? Sign up for a class, invest time in your hobbies, volunteer, take time to enjoy life and make new friends.
Think positively.
Easier said than done, right? Things may not be the same, but finding new activities and friends, and moving forward with reasonable expectations will make this transition easier. Be flexible. If you have children, family traditions will still be important but some of them may need to be adjusted. Help create new family activities.
If you are having trouble remaining positive then we can work on that.
Life will get back to normal.
Although “normal” may be different from what you had originally hoped. It may take quite some time. There may be all sorts of challenges but eventually happiness will return.
You may also wish to read about Stress Management: https://apspear.com.au/stress-management/ and anger management: https://apspear.com.au/anger-management/
Tips for your kids …
If you have children, here’s a short list of tips that can help your young children and teens cope.
Reassure and listen.
Make sure your kids know that your divorce is not their fault. Listen to and ease their concerns and be compassionate but direct in your responses.
Maintain stability and routines.
Try to keep your kids’ daily and weekly routines as familiar and stable as possible.
Offer consistent discipline.
Now that your kids may share time with both parents separately, make sure to agree in advance on bedtimes, curfews, and other everyday decisions, as well as any punishments for wrong doings.
Let your children know they can rely on you.
Make and keep realistic promises. Do not say you are going to turn up and don’t. And don’t overly confide in them about your feelings about the divorce.
Don’t involve your children in the conflict.
Avoid arguing with your ex-spouse or talking negatively or poorly about the other parent in front of your kids, regardless of what he or she has told the kids about you. This will create emotional and relationship problems in your children’s adult lives. Don’t use them as spies or messengers or make them take sides.
Set a good example.
Be a good role model. Do what you said you would do. Remain calm and show love to your children regardless of how you feel. On a side note it is important to realize how verbal abuse and yelling can affect your children.
Read these articles below:
- Yelling at children: https://www.medicinenet.com/can_yelling_at_a_child_be_harmful/article.htm
- Arguing parents: https://www.bbc.com/news/education-43486641
If you need help with relationship separation then reach out. I am here to help.
Bookings: adrian@apspear.com.au
Or call 0405 391 110
Or fill in the contact form: https://apspear.com.au/contact/
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