Building Self-Confidence

What is self-confidence?

The Oxford Dictionary states that self-confidence is “a feeling of trust in one’s abilities, qualities and judgements.”

The American Psychological Association defines self-confidence as “a belief that one is capable of successfully meeting the demands of a task.”

But building and maintaining confidence isn’t easy and it’s really easy to lose confidence when you failed or made a mistake. So, self-confidence is something that you continually need to work on. I reckon that self-confidence is all about believing in yourself.

Lack of self-confidence

Lack of self-confidence can come from many areas of your life. It can be the way that your parents raised you. If you were belittled and told that you are stupid or incapable on a regular basis then this will have I detrimental effect on the way you see yourself. For example. When we were younger we tried to impress mum or dad by doing a particular task well. If we didn’t do such a good job with this particular task and mum or dad may have criticised us. This would reduce our self confidence in completing that task next time. We might even not attempt the task again because of this criticism.

It starts young

It may have been at school that your self-confidence was stolen from you. You might have been picked on, bullied, or used as a punching bag. You may not have been as smart as other children in a specific area and received criticism because of it. Maybe sport wasn’t your thing and others tormented you. You may have been isolated or excluded from certain activities. You may have been set upon by the school bully. I have a story from my own life for you about a school bully a bit later.

The teenage years

As you became older and other things came into play. The opposite sex became of interest and the good-looking ones seem to do much better than the others not so gifted with great looks. You may have anxiously thought about asking a girl or a guy to go steady for very long time and when you did then they knocked you back. You might have not even asked them out due to the fear of rejection. Not a great confidence builder either.

Adulthood

Moving forward you found yourself as a young adult starting work. Now depending on your work location, it could have been an uplifting time with great people and wonderful mentors, or it could have been brutal towards your self-confidence.

As you can see, there are so many areas from when you were very young until adulthood where your self-confidence could have been stepped on or dragged through the dirt causing you to retreat into your shell never really gaining the healthy self-belief that you deserve.

Exploring Self-Confidence

So, let’s get right into the nuts and bolts of self-confidence. Having a healthy self-confidence can help you become more successful personally and professionally. Research shows that more confident people tend to achieve more academically. Self-confidence even affects how you present yourself to others. There are several ways that you can build a strong belief in yourself. Some of these are easy to do but others more require more effort.

• Stop comparing yourself with others
• Stop seeking approval
• Stop becoming offended
• Stand up for yourself
• Hang around positive people
• Look after yourself.
• Use positive self-talk
• Do things that you are good at.
• Face your fears
• Take small risks
• Set SMART goals
• Learn to say NO

Stop comparing yourself with others

Now it’s OK to admire what someone has. The experts believe that if you are admiring someone for something than that something is lacking in you. Admiring someone can actually work in your benefit. Example: if you admire Cristiano Ronaldo for his soccer achievements then this may spur you on to train harder which in turn could enhance your abilities and your self-confidence.

But if you envy someone for something that they have or have done then this will have a detrimental effect on your self-confidence because in some way you become immobilised that you lack what they have.

These days with the popularity of social media it has become easier to see the wonderful lives that people lead, and you may get sucked into wanting that type of existence. Please remember that people normally post the good stuff or the very bad stuff on social media. Social media is not really a true indication of their lives.

So, in conclusion it’s better to admire someone for something as long as it spurs you on to create a positive mindset, improvement and building your self-confidence. Read about: Create Your Positive Mindset

 But do not envy what they have achieved because this will drag you down.  If you are going to compare then use it in a way to propel you forward towards your own greatness.

Stop seeking approval

Many folks seek approval for every aspect of their lives. They will buy the types of clothes that their peers are wearing. Others may become agreeable about certain topics even though they disagree with that view. Some will change their story in order to conform with what others have said. There are people that will do and say almost anything to get recognition or approval. Why? Because they lack self-confidence, self-worth or self-esteem so they try to gain it from the approval of others. But self-confidence is not other people directed; it is inner directed. It is not what others think of us but what we think of ourselves. Read Stop Seeking Approval .

Stop becoming offended

Somebody says something to you like:

• Your work is not up to scratch.
• You look unhealthy today.
• You are dumb.
• That shirt doesn’t match your pants

If you are lacking self-confidence then your ego suffers a blow, and you become offended by what was said. You may start to question your abilities and feel terrible in the process.

If you have a healthy self-confidence, then you will not allow these words to affect you negatively. Instead, you will evaluate what was said and work out whether there is some truth in the matter. If there is some truth then maybe a correction or two may be undertaken on your part. If there is no truth in what was said then you may elect to tell that person that you do not appreciate what they have said. You could just dismiss what was said as incorrect not allowing these negative words to immobilise you in any way. Read more about Becoming Offended

Stand up for yourself

I thought about leaving this one out because standing up for yourself isn’t taught anymore. Instead, you are told to run to the teacher and not stand your ground. When I was a young boy in my first year of high school (Year 7) I had to stand up for myself which changed my destiny and self-confidence forever. Before this occurrence I was a shy timid boy. I would like to tell you about this incident.

The Bully

 It was an afternoon after school and my friends and I were riding skateboards in the school playground. The school bully lived next door to where we were riding skateboards. Mean Dean was in year 10. Dean had arms the size of my legs. I mean he was one big dude. Anyway, on this particular afternoon Dean was throwing rocks at us from his backyard. I decided I’d had enough and told him in not so polite terms to nick off.

The Attack

Dean stormed out of his back gate, grab me by the hair, and started to hit my head against the concrete wall that I was leaning against. I broke free from his grasp, jumped up and threw a punch hitting him directly on the nose. Mean Dean fell backwards over the bike that was behind him, landing on the ground, and had blood pouring out of his nose. Dean then got up off the ground and thumped the living daylights out of me.

The Result

But from that day forward Dean never picked on me again nor did anybody else in high school. It was like I’d lost the battle but won the war. I had gained respect and a name of someone who would stand up for himself. From that day forth I had a very strong self-confidence. This self-confidence became a part of everything I did and I carried it forward into my adult life. Whether it was handling a conflict situations, asking girls out, completing a difficult task or enjoying my sports I had this ever-present power within that accompanied me along the way.

Now I am not advocating violence here. Do not misunderstand me. A person should always try and communicate their way out of a difficult situation. Self-defence and fighting back should always be a last resort.

Hang around positive people

Think for a moment about the people you hang out with. How do they make you feel? Do they lift you up or drag you down? People you spend time with will influence your thoughts, beliefs and attitudes. If you want to be a fool then hang out with fools. But if you want to be happy healthy successful and loving life then choose the folks you hang around with very carefully. Now self-confidence is your confidence, not their confidence, but in saying that your environment will affect your thoughts and feeling of self-worth. 

Look after yourself.

This topic should be a no brainer but let’s go through it just the same. This means things like adequate sleep, regular exercise, good diet, and staying away from toxins. Now even though looks are not everything, you still need to focus on this area. This means wearing decent looking clothes, being well groomed and paying attention to your posture when you’re seated and walking. All these things portray a person who is self-confident. And when people see self-confidence and I hear self-confidence, they will respect you as an equal. Remember that an opinion of you is formed in the first 7 seconds of the meeting, so put your best foot forward and continue to build your confidence.

Use positive self-talk

The experts believe that it takes 10 times as many positive words or sentences to cancel out one negative word or sentence. Furthermore, from my neurological standpoint, what you continually think about and reinforce create neurological pathways in the brain. If you continually think negatively then you strengthen negative neural pathways and weaken positive neural pathways. It then becomes easier to think negatively and extremely difficult to think positively. Your thought processes also release chemicals into the body from the various glands. If you are thinking negative all the time then you are releasing chemicals which have a detrimental effect on the body. If you are thinking positively then different chemicals are released which have an uplifting healthy effect on the body.

Changing your thoughts to positive isn’t easy but it can be done. The first step is to become aware of your thought process. When a negative thought arises then you need to question yourself about why you’re thinking this way. Questions would go something like this:

• Why am I having this train of thought?
• Is it being helpful to me or not?
• How can I think positively about this?
• Will these thoughts build a better me?
• What can I physically do instead of thinking negatively about this?

You can also create and use affirmations to change your thinking on a subconscious level. Read more about: How to Use Positive Affirmations

Do things that you are good at

When you are learning something or partaking in something that you’re not good at it may have a negative effect on your self-confidence. If you continue to do a task and continue to get poor results then you may start to question your abilities and whether or not you can actually accomplish what you set out to do. Self-doubt  will reduce self-confidence.

If you start to do things you’re good at and receive little victories along the way, then you’ll start to feel good about what you’re doing, your motivation will be increased which in turn will build your self-worth. So find out what your strengths are and build on those strengths. But you will also need to identify your witnesses and work on those areas also.

Take for example you where I bodybuilder. And all you worked is the top half of your body neglecting your legs all the time. You would end up with massive arms and chest and back but scrawny chicken legs also. So of course, enhance your strengths and do what you’re good at but remember not to neglect your legs.

Face your fears

Procrastination will increased apprehension and fear within you. Taken to extremes that could lead to anxiety. Read more about; Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) . One of the best ways to reduce self-doubt and lack of confidence is to face your fears head on. Now this may sound frightening but taking action and moving into the unknown will eventually build a better you. You may feel an amount of anxiousness when you step into the unknown but the more you do this, the more your brain and body adjusts to these scenarios and the easier it will be become.

Take small risks

Taking small risks kind of leads on from facing your fears. It’s all about getting your brain and body used to risk taking. I do not mean throwing yourself in front of a moving bus. I’m talking about things that make you feel slightly uneasy but are achievable. It’s all about getting out of your comfort zone and becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable. And when you have one small success, then another small success, your confidence will lift.

Set SMART goals

 Setting goals will create motivation to get things done. You should have short in long range goals. They should be designed so that you have to stretch and improve to achieve the goals but not put you under too much pressure doing so. Read more about: Stress Management

A certain amount of tension is required but not too much tension. When you are new to this goal setting programme only start with a few attainable goals. This will do wonders for your self-confidence and productivity. The more goals you have the less productive you will be and the more likely you will miss the target. This could negatively influence your self-worth.  Make sure your goals are clear and reachable; each one should be:

• Specific (What and or where exactly).
• Measurable (How much).
• Achievable (Goals must extend but not break the goal setter).
• Relevant (reasonable, realistic, results-based).
• Time bound (Have a due date).

Remember if you need a hand to with your goal setting then let me know.

Learn to say NO

We talked about doing stuff you’re good at which builds self-confidence. Now let’s flip the coin over and think about things that you are not good at. Doing these activities may actually zap your energy and plummet your self-confidence. Now I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have a go and try new things. But when you’re trying to build your self-worth and self-esteem then you need to be mindful of things which could drag you down. So, if someone asked you to partake in a certain activity but you know you suck at it or don’t like it, politely decline and say no. Instead stay with what lights your fire. That way your confidence will grow and grow.

Conclusion

As you can see. There are many areas which you can work on to build a powerful self-confidence. You were born for greatness and a strong faith in your own abilities with help construct the life you deserve.

You may also like to read: Detachment , Breath and Ice Therapy , Right or Wrong Decisions , The Power of Meditation , The Stages of Change , Staying Positive with Cancer , Time to take Responsibility , The All Mighty Powerful Ego , Lead & Promote Change & Better Communication

Reach out now

Organise a free up to a 15 minute phone call to see if this service is right for you: 0405 391 110

Or fill out the contact form: https://apspear.com.au/contact/